Before Bella was born this summer, and I mean right before she was born, I was at our school system's Summer Writing Institute. I could have taught most of it, but it did give me an opportunity to work on a piece that I've had brewing in my writer's notebook for 2 summers now. I thought I might share it.
*****
“Okay, Treeza, you’re next,” the guide called to me. One by one, the other members of our expedition had disappeared over the waterfall before me. I stepped forward, and thought about the grandmother and her two granddaughters who had already taken the leap. If they could do it, so could I, right? Is this really me? I thought.
*****
My arms gripped my brother’s neck tightly. Holding on to him, I was safe from slipping under. This day was different, though.
“Swim to me, T!” my sister called from the side of the pool. She stood there, arms outstretched, waiting for me to swim to her. No words would come out of my mouth. I can’t do this, I thought.
“Go on,” Marc urged. “If you don’t, I’m going to go under.” I hated nothing more than the thought of being submerged in the water, unable to breathe, unable to move. Surely, I would drown. I wasn’t wearing my lifejacket as I normally did. All I had was Marc to hold on to, and now I couldn’t even trust that.
“Swim to me,” Lyn repeated.
“I’m going under,” Marc warned. “One…” If I let go, what would I do?
“Two…” If I hold on, surely I’ll go under.
There was only one option.
“Three!” I slipped from my brother’s hold and, flailing my arms and legs, swam to the side of the pool where my sister was waiting to catch me.
“You did it!” she breathed in my ear. “You swam!” Marc emerged from the bottom and smiled as he wiped the excess water from his face.
Looking from one to the other, all I had to say was, “Can I have my lifejacket now?”
*****
“Okay,” I sighed as I stepped from the shore into the rushing water of the underground river. Darkness surrounded me as my headlamp clicked off. I knew we were at the top of the waterfall, but I could not see it. Voices from those who went before me echoed from below. I could barely make out their headlamps shining up at me.
“Don’t stop there!” he directed and pulled me by the elbow to the very tip of the ledge. “Remember how we practiced?” he asked as he turned me around facing my back to the falls.
“Yeah, I remember,” my sarcasm took over. “We were outside in broad daylight and I could actually see where I was going to land.”
“Alright, cheeky.” He tweaked my nose. “Do you have a good grip on your tube?”
*****
Melissa answered the phone on the third ring, “Hello?”
“Hey! Mom and Dad left and I’m on my way over,” I told her as I twirled the keys around my index finger. “What’s the best way to get there?”
“Come up 85 to Steve Reynolds.”
“Are you kidding?” How could she expect me to take the interstate? I don’ t drive on the interstate, I thought. There was no possible way I could get on that highway.
“I can’t drive on 85,” I continued. “I’ll get killed. I hate all that merging and speed.” My fingers gripped the keys as my sweaty palms took on their pungent, sour smell.
“Okay,” she sighed, “here are the back roads, but it’ll take you about an hour.”
“That’s fine.”
“Really, 85 would be much quicker.” Still, her suggestion did not appeal to me.
“Nope. Give me the back roads.” I didn’t care if it took an hour to get there. Back roads are calmer, slower, and no one can cut in front of you. The risks were much greater than the potential outcomes.
*****
I pulled the rubber tight against me and prayed I would land, as practiced, sitting on it when I reached the bottom.
Am I really doing this? I thought to myself.
“I’m going to count to three, and you’re going to jump – just like we did outside the cave.”
Sharon and Liam called up from below, “You can do it!” The few remaining members of our group at the top smiled at me as I prepared to leap.
*****
We sat on the bench looking at the ducks who never seemed to leave the pond. Though the sun shined directly on us, I made fake smoke rings with my breath. I reached over and tucked my hands inside the cuffs of Zach’s sleeves, grabbing onto his wrists for warmth. The January breeze brushed over me.
“You’re what?!” he stared at me, one brow furrowed, one raised, his head cocked to one side.
I pulled my hands from his sleeves and studied them as I rubbed my thighs.
“Student teaching,” I tentatively repeated, “in New Zealand.”“You?”
“Yes, me!”
“You?”
“Yes!”
“Are you sure?”
“Zach!” I was frustrated. Why was he questioning me? Did he think I couldn’t do it? Sure, I wasn’t a risk-taker. No, I had never been away from my family for a long time. I was truly a homebody. Attached to my family. Maybe he was right. Maybe I should be questioning myself.
“Okay. Wow. That’s – that’s…,” he stuttered, searching for the right words, mouth opening and closing without a sound. Then his brows furrowed again and he asked, “For how long?”
“Two months.” It wasn’t a statement, but it wasn’t a question, either. My wide-open eyes searched for his approval, for comfort and support. I had signed the paperwork and committed to it. I was accepted to the program and had already been in contact with the school. There was really no turning back now.
*****
“One.” I took a deep breath and pulled the tube close to me. Was I ever really afraid to drive down 85? Surely, that was someone else.
“Two.” I closed my eyes tightly and tensed my shoulders, preparing to jump. See, no life jackets here. No need for a brother to hold onto or a sister to swim to.
“Three.” I took a deep breath. I bent my knees and jumped backwards into the darkness. This is me. I’m doing this.
The wetsuit clung to my body and the miner’s hat shifted backwards as I flew down-down-down towards the water. I didn’t breathe. I couldn’t breathe. My hands gripped the bottom of the inner tube as my arms wrapped around it – hugging it tight to my rear end. It was my safety net – my assurance that I would survive this jump.
I heard the hollow echo as the rubber tube landed below me, then the silent rushing of water as I was completely submerged in the waterfall pool.
“I did it!” I shouted the moment the tube propelled me out of the black depths and back up to the surface. My triumph echoed through the cave.
The rest of our expedition made their jumps and we continued our journey through the glow worm cave. I tucked my feet under Liam’s arms and grabbed the feet that appeared under mine, making sure our chain was secure.
Resting my head on the tube, I thought about the journey that had led me to this moment. I saw my first swim across the pool and felt the steering wheel in my hands as I merged onto the highway. I recalled the love I saw in my fiance’s eyes the day I boarded the plane and too a journey to the other side of the world.
I relished the taste of accomplishment, cool in my mouth, and lost myself in the view above me. Like thousands of green stars in a sky with no moon, the glow worms congratulated me. Their green glow – the light of hope – lit the way for the new-found me.
*****
My arms gripped my brother’s neck tightly. Holding on to him, I was safe from slipping under. This day was different, though.
“Swim to me, T!” my sister called from the side of the pool. She stood there, arms outstretched, waiting for me to swim to her. No words would come out of my mouth. I can’t do this, I thought.
“Go on,” Marc urged. “If you don’t, I’m going to go under.” I hated nothing more than the thought of being submerged in the water, unable to breathe, unable to move. Surely, I would drown. I wasn’t wearing my lifejacket as I normally did. All I had was Marc to hold on to, and now I couldn’t even trust that.
“Swim to me,” Lyn repeated.
“I’m going under,” Marc warned. “One…” If I let go, what would I do?
“Two…” If I hold on, surely I’ll go under.
There was only one option.
“Three!” I slipped from my brother’s hold and, flailing my arms and legs, swam to the side of the pool where my sister was waiting to catch me.
“You did it!” she breathed in my ear. “You swam!” Marc emerged from the bottom and smiled as he wiped the excess water from his face.
Looking from one to the other, all I had to say was, “Can I have my lifejacket now?”
*****
“Okay,” I sighed as I stepped from the shore into the rushing water of the underground river. Darkness surrounded me as my headlamp clicked off. I knew we were at the top of the waterfall, but I could not see it. Voices from those who went before me echoed from below. I could barely make out their headlamps shining up at me.
“Don’t stop there!” he directed and pulled me by the elbow to the very tip of the ledge. “Remember how we practiced?” he asked as he turned me around facing my back to the falls.
“Yeah, I remember,” my sarcasm took over. “We were outside in broad daylight and I could actually see where I was going to land.”
“Alright, cheeky.” He tweaked my nose. “Do you have a good grip on your tube?”
*****
Melissa answered the phone on the third ring, “Hello?”
“Hey! Mom and Dad left and I’m on my way over,” I told her as I twirled the keys around my index finger. “What’s the best way to get there?”
“Come up 85 to Steve Reynolds.”
“Are you kidding?” How could she expect me to take the interstate? I don’ t drive on the interstate, I thought. There was no possible way I could get on that highway.
“I can’t drive on 85,” I continued. “I’ll get killed. I hate all that merging and speed.” My fingers gripped the keys as my sweaty palms took on their pungent, sour smell.
“Okay,” she sighed, “here are the back roads, but it’ll take you about an hour.”
“That’s fine.”
“Really, 85 would be much quicker.” Still, her suggestion did not appeal to me.
“Nope. Give me the back roads.” I didn’t care if it took an hour to get there. Back roads are calmer, slower, and no one can cut in front of you. The risks were much greater than the potential outcomes.
*****
I pulled the rubber tight against me and prayed I would land, as practiced, sitting on it when I reached the bottom.
Am I really doing this? I thought to myself.
“I’m going to count to three, and you’re going to jump – just like we did outside the cave.”
Sharon and Liam called up from below, “You can do it!” The few remaining members of our group at the top smiled at me as I prepared to leap.
*****
We sat on the bench looking at the ducks who never seemed to leave the pond. Though the sun shined directly on us, I made fake smoke rings with my breath. I reached over and tucked my hands inside the cuffs of Zach’s sleeves, grabbing onto his wrists for warmth. The January breeze brushed over me.
“You’re what?!” he stared at me, one brow furrowed, one raised, his head cocked to one side.
I pulled my hands from his sleeves and studied them as I rubbed my thighs.
“Student teaching,” I tentatively repeated, “in New Zealand.”“You?”
“Yes, me!”
“You?”
“Yes!”
“Are you sure?”
“Zach!” I was frustrated. Why was he questioning me? Did he think I couldn’t do it? Sure, I wasn’t a risk-taker. No, I had never been away from my family for a long time. I was truly a homebody. Attached to my family. Maybe he was right. Maybe I should be questioning myself.
“Okay. Wow. That’s – that’s…,” he stuttered, searching for the right words, mouth opening and closing without a sound. Then his brows furrowed again and he asked, “For how long?”
“Two months.” It wasn’t a statement, but it wasn’t a question, either. My wide-open eyes searched for his approval, for comfort and support. I had signed the paperwork and committed to it. I was accepted to the program and had already been in contact with the school. There was really no turning back now.
*****
“One.” I took a deep breath and pulled the tube close to me. Was I ever really afraid to drive down 85? Surely, that was someone else.
“Two.” I closed my eyes tightly and tensed my shoulders, preparing to jump. See, no life jackets here. No need for a brother to hold onto or a sister to swim to.
“Three.” I took a deep breath. I bent my knees and jumped backwards into the darkness. This is me. I’m doing this.
The wetsuit clung to my body and the miner’s hat shifted backwards as I flew down-down-down towards the water. I didn’t breathe. I couldn’t breathe. My hands gripped the bottom of the inner tube as my arms wrapped around it – hugging it tight to my rear end. It was my safety net – my assurance that I would survive this jump.
I heard the hollow echo as the rubber tube landed below me, then the silent rushing of water as I was completely submerged in the waterfall pool.
“I did it!” I shouted the moment the tube propelled me out of the black depths and back up to the surface. My triumph echoed through the cave.
The rest of our expedition made their jumps and we continued our journey through the glow worm cave. I tucked my feet under Liam’s arms and grabbed the feet that appeared under mine, making sure our chain was secure.
Resting my head on the tube, I thought about the journey that had led me to this moment. I saw my first swim across the pool and felt the steering wheel in my hands as I merged onto the highway. I recalled the love I saw in my fiance’s eyes the day I boarded the plane and too a journey to the other side of the world.
I relished the taste of accomplishment, cool in my mouth, and lost myself in the view above me. Like thousands of green stars in a sky with no moon, the glow worms congratulated me. Their green glow – the light of hope – lit the way for the new-found me.
My tubing mates and me, Waitomo Caves, New Zealand 2001
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